“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
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Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement