“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
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Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.