*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
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If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what