Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
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her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.