*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
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“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
hi why am I like this
😆this is so true
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.