My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
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Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.