Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
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1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)