what’s the point then??
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Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Should I call tech support or pray or what
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.