Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
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So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
new career option?
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.