My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
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The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.