Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
You Might Also Like
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Traveler’s camo
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
NASA has no chill
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.