My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
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It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?