4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
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The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
What?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra