WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
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H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank