“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
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Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
smh
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.