My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
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Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Teamwork makes the dream work.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.