If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
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I put the mess in domestic.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Smooooooth
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!