my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
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I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
PARKOUR
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
📽️movie date🎞️
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did