[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
You Might Also Like
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
me after eating Cheetos
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”