My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
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Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags