I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
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Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
“That’s what” – She
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Pizza is an emotion right?
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?