Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.