The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
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I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
man i love columbo
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”