[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
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[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…