People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
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If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”