If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
You Might Also Like
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
#oldknees
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
necessity is the mother of invention
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.