[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
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My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.