I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
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sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate