I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
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mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Just a reminder, folks:
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said