Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
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*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit