*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
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When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Go girl power!
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
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Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said