“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
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Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Breaking news:
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
The USS B port
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Chicago sounds lovely.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*