Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
You Might Also Like
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Monday
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I like my jims slim and my chances fat