Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
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my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.