I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
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ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.