day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
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When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.