Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
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Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!