I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
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Thursday
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Match dot com, but for socks.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.