Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
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All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
My god she’s good.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.