yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
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me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.