poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
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Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
That’s easy for you to say
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms