I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
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i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!