anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
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me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark