I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
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Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
found this cool rock hiking today
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated