Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
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Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE