Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
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“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Had an epiphany today.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?