[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
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I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.