*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
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The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
kitchen magnet
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription