The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
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straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”