“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
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So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
saving face 👀
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.